


Live, It's All You Can Do

by sullenhearts



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 14:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15439551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullenhearts/pseuds/sullenhearts
Summary: A look at Louis' life from when he finds out Briana is pregnant in early summer 2015, to when he plays Just Hold On on X Factor in December 2016 shortly after Jay's death. I have focussed on Louis' feelings around the baby, around the end of the band, and around his mother's illness and death. Although I've said major character death, I haven't described Jay's death in any detail - we see her ill, and then we see the immediate aftermath.Art was made by the gorgeous @c1trus and I am so thrilled by it - I love all of them but I especially love the milkshake date with Danielle and writing with Steve!Title is taken from the song Float by Flogging Molly, a song that I listened to a lot when I lost my own dad at the age of 24. It was a reminder that you have to keep living however difficult it may be.





	Live, It's All You Can Do

May 2015

“Liam?” Louis says, trying to sound braver than he feels.

“Yo, my main man! How are you?”

“Yeah,” Louis says, which isn’t an answer at all. “You?”

He’d wanted to do this all at once, tell the other three at the same time so that they’d all know together. Then they’d have supported him while he told the crew and all their people. That would’ve been ideal, but as it is he just wants a friendly voice. One who won’t be deeply upset by this, hopefully. 

“I’m gooooood,” Liam says. “Chilling out. Been to the gym, been to the supermarket, now I’m just watching a film. Got that TV new setup, yeah? It’s amazing.”

Louis laughs. Liam’s been going on about that new setup for weeks. No one cares, except for Liam, but Louis sort of loves that about him. He feels like the laugh dies quickly in his throat, though. 

“Liam,” he says after a pause, trying to sound brave. “Briana’s pregnant.” The trying thing isn’t working very well – he can hear the waver in his voice.

“Oh man,” Liam says quietly. “Oh Christ. What is she… How are you… Is it… Oh, Christ.”

Louis tries to laugh again, but it catches in his throat. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“Is she keeping it?” Liam asks, deciding on which question he wants to go with first.

“Yes,” Louis says. “She says so.”

“Well, congratulations? You’re going to be a dad?”

“You could sound a bit more like you mean that,” Louis says. “I am, yeah.”

“Is it definitely yours?”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “Well, she says so, and I’ve no reason to not believe her.” Alright, so he feels a bit stupid saying that. He knows he’s got money, he knows that he’d be a great target for someone to take for a ride, but, well, he believed Briana when she said she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. 

“Come on,” Liam says. “You need to be sure, mate.”

“No, yeah, course.” The thing is, Louis can’t shake the memory of what her face looked like when she said it. No one is that good an actress. She’d understood what this would mean for him personally, and that she was likely to come under fire from the press and stuff. She was as shocked as he was. And he knows they weren’t seeing each other for long, but he’d thought the understanding was that they were exclusive, too. 

He’s going to have to suggest she gets a test done, which is going to be the most awkward conversation ever, but if he is having a baby with a practical stranger, he’s going to have to get used to awkward conversations.

“Could you tell Harry and Niall?” he asks Liam. “Tell ‘em it’s not exactly a secret, but if they can keep it quiet…”

“Course I can,” Liam says. “No problem, mate.”

They hang up soon after. 

Louis rubs the top of his nose. Now he’s got to tell his mother. This isn’t going to be a fun conversation. He’s sitting in London, in his lovely house which is usually bright and airy but somehow he just couldn’t deal with that, so he’s left all the curtains closed. The last time he did that was just after Zayn left. It feels like forever ago but it’s really only a few weeks, and it still really hurts. 

Bloody hell, how much more can this year throw at him? 

Jay answers the Facetime call but her face doesn’t immediately come into view and Louis wonders for a second if one of the twins has managed to answer instead. He frowns, but then Jay’s voice says, “Hang on a minute love.” The picture blurs with motion, Doris says “Hiya!”, and then eventually Jay’s smiling face appears. 

“Sorry about that.”

“What’s up? Are you alright?” Louis says, squinting at his mother. “Are you in bed? It’s a bit early int it?”

“I’m just tired,” Jay says. “So I got these two in the bath and then thought we’d all get into bed to read a book.”

Ernest appears in shot, sucking on his fingers. 

“Hi gorgeous,” Louis says. “I think I need Mum a minute, is that okay?”

Jay must hear it in his voice because she frowns at it, the phone showing only her face now. “What’s up?”

“You’re gonna be really angry.”

“Am I? Why? What’ve you done?”

“I was seeing a girl and she’s pregnant.”

Jay freezes, her eyes boring into Louis’ as much as if she was in the room with him. “You’re joking.”

“I wouldn’t joke about something like that.”

“Bloody hell.” Jay sits up, the angle of her face changing. “Are you sure it’s yours?”

“No, but she’s going to have a paternity test, obviously.” He hopes she won’t notice the lie. He’s feeling stupider by the minute. That’s going to be just great, isn’t it. He needs, like, a lawyer or something, too, probably? His brain hurts. He flicks to the back of his lyric notebook and starts a list under the heading “Baby”. 

“Obviously,” Jay says, bringing Louis back to himself. “Who is it?”

“Briana. She lives in LA. I met her a few times clubbing and stuff… She’s a nice girl.”

“Oh, Lou. Oh, honey.”

“Yeah, I know. Can you tell everyone else?”

“Don’t you think you should do that?”

“Well, not if they’re all gonna look at me like you are, no.” 

Jay sighs. “Alright. Alright. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Louis nods and then talks to the babies for a little bit before hanging up. His phone needs charging when he’s done, so he goes to plug it in. He hasn’t heard from Briana since she Facetimed to tell him about the baby. He should text her but he’s not sure what to say. ‘Get a paternity test please’ seems like something you shouldn’t do over text. 

Right. First a test, then a lawyer, and then when he knows if he’s definitely having a baby or not, he’ll add to his list. 

His mind is in knots. He’s half a mind to follow his mother’s example and just go to bed.

Oh, fuck it. Bedtime it is. 

*

“You’ve got to understand,” Louis says, glad they’re on the phone and not on Facetime this time round. “I’ve got assets to protect…” God, he sounds like such a knob even saying that.

“So you think I’m lying?” Briana says.

“No, no I’m not saying that…”

“You kind of are.”

“Please try to see it from my point of view?”

“Sure.” She sighs and pauses. “Sorry, it’s just… Everything is so overwhelming? And confusing?”

“I know the feeling.”

“Yeah?”

“Course, yeah.” Louis fiddles with the ring pull on the can of Coke in front of him. “I didn’t expect to be having a baby now.”

“Neither did I. I feel like I’m way too young.”

“My mum did it. She always managed.”

“Sure, I know, and I know my mom will help me…”

“I’ll help you. I’ll be there, love.”

Briana makes a sound that is a bit like a hiccup and a bit like a laugh. “Will you?”

“ _Yes_.”

“You live in England.”

“If I’m having a baby I think I’d better live near it, don’t you?”

“Louis…” She still says it with a sounded S at the end like his friends do. 

Louis laughs. 

“What?” Briana asks.

“Get the test, yeah, just so we’re both sure. Please? Then we’ll go from there.”

“I kind of think I need some of your DNA to do it.”

“Oh, yeah, course. So when I come for the scan…”

“Yeah,” Briana says. “I’ll make an appointment.” 

*

The next time Louis sees the others his stomach’s churning horribly because he’s just not sure what anyone’s going to say to him. There’s a million people backstage as usual, but Niall catches up with him pretty quickly. 

“So,” Niall says, looking worried, looking far younger than he is.

“She’s having a DNA test,” Louis says.

“That wasn’t where I was going,” Niall says. “I mean, good, but…”

“But?”

“Are you alright with it? Really?”

Louis stops halfway down a corridor, and sighs, a bag in his arms. “I’ve got to be, haven’t I.”

“I suppose.”

“At least we’re about to have a break, yeah? I’ll have plenty of time for a baby.”

“So weird,” Niall says. “You’re going to be a dad.”

“I’ll be a great dad.”

“That’s not under debate.” 

They start walking again, towards the dressing rooms. “Thanks,” Louis says softly. “That means a lot.”

“You’re welcome,” Niall says. He pushes open the door. 

Liam is sitting on the sofa with his eyes closed but as soon as he sees them he jumps up. “Alright?”

“I’m alright, yeah,” Louis says. He hugs Liam briefly with one arm. 

Then Liam looks at him expectantly. 

“What?” Louis says.

“Is it definitely yours?”

“Swear to god, I’m gonna get them results tattooed on me fucking arm,” Louis says. “It’s got to wait for me, in LA. Where I’m going next week.”

“Okay, good,” Liam says.

Someone comes and takes Louis’ things off him, and tells him what his schedule is. He nods, only half taking it in, but he nods anyway. 

Part of him can’t wait for six month’s time, when all of this will be over for a bit, when he’ll be on no one’s schedule but his own, when he’ll sleep in and eat at normal times like a normal person. But part of him is dreading it - he’s just not sure what he’ll do with his time. He’s pretty sure Harry is already making a solo deal, and he thinks Niall will go solo too, but as for Louis, he’s not sure if that’s what he wants for himself. 

Maybe all this is pointless wondering, though, because maybe he’ll have a baby and he’ll be far too busy learning to parent to focus on his career. Part of him can’t understand what that would actually be _like_. If it’s his. If. It is. But it is. Louis is already mentally changing his whole life for a baby. 

Harry is already in Wardrobe when Louis first sees him. 

“Congratulations,” he says. 

“Thanks,” Louis says, smiling a bit. “It feels less weird every time someone says it.”

“You’ll be a great dad.” 

“Thank you. Really.”

Harry flashes a smile of his own. Things are still a bit weird and strained between them. They have been since Harry suggested the hiatus, and everyone went kind of silent, no one wanting to be the first one to either agree or start an argument. But Harry’s trying, so Louis sits down on a chair near Harry’s.

“I’m terrified,” he says.

“I’m not surprised,” Harry murmurs. 

“Don’t tell anyone else just yet, will you?”

“Course not. Is your mum pleased?”

“She will be. We all know what she’s like, once the baby’s here she won’t be able to resist.”

Harry laughs. “She’ll be made up.”

Louis smiles, relaxing a bit. He stays there while Harry gets ready, then stands up himself to get changed. 

 

June 2015

Schedules being what they are, Louis doesn’t manage to get to LA to see Briana before the first scan. He’d wanted to. He’d thought they could go out for food together. He’s got this mad idea they might even try to make it work between them, since they’re having a baby together. He hasn’t said that to her yet. He’s waiting until he sees her, and he definitely did plan to go to LA earlier, but as it is he’ll be lucky to get there much before the appointment. He’s waiting in LAX, about to hire a car and go to the house someone’s rented for him. He knows he looked over particulars, but honestly, they all looked the same and he’s not entirely sure which one he’s renting. 

He’ll sort out somewhere to live permanently when the DNA results come through. He’s going to uproot his whole entire life if it’s his baby. 

Which it will be. It will be. 

He taps his passport on his thigh, waiting for the queue to move. 

This is ridiculous. He turns on his phone and sends Briana a text, telling her he’s at the airport so will see her soon. 

Which he will, hopefully.

The TSA guard doesn’t recognise him, or if she does she does a good job of hiding it. She asks what Louis is doing in LA and Louis wants to say, “Hopefully seeing my baby if you could hurry the fuck up,” but he bites his tongue and tells her he’s a singer and is here to work.

She looks at him for a long moment and then stamps his passport and lets him through.

He’s going to have to drive like the wind to get there in time. So of course there’s traffic. He coasts into the car park at the clinic twenty-three minutes over the appointment time and rushes in. 

Briana and Tammi both look up at him reproachfully when he gets to the right room. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says, wheezing slightly. “So sorry.”

“We had to let the doctor see another patient,” Tammi says. “So we might be waiting a while.”

“Course, yeah.” Louis collapses into a chair. “Sorry. Mad sorry.”

Briana smiles slightly. “You’re here now.”

“I’m glad I am!” 

Even Tammi smiles at this. 

Louis breathes, just a bit. 

Finally the doctor comes in. “How are we all doing?”

“Good,” Briana says. “We’re excited to see the baby.”

“Yep, we’ll get to the exciting bit soon but I have to do all the boring stuff first.”

Briana stands up to be checked. Louis looks at her carefully, but she doesn’t look pregnant yet. He wouldn’t know, if he didn’t know. 

She’s apparently doing really well. The three of them follow the doctor down to a room with a different doctor or whatever in it. She smiles widely. 

“Welcome, come in. You all excited for the ultrasound?”

“Very,” Louis says, and just before Briana moves to get undressed she squeezes Louis’ hand gently.

He’s seen ultrasounds before, obviously. He saw the photos of both sets of twins his mum’s had, and even a video of Ernie and Doris moving around in there, but when the technician flicks the screen on and he can see his _own_ baby, it feels like nothing else on earth. There’s an actual baby and he is extremely hopeful it’s his baby. 

He takes a few of the printed photos when he’s offered, and then he goes to give his own DNA while Briana goes to do the bit she needs to do. It’s nothing for him, but a bit more invasive for her. When they meet again in the foyer he hugs her gently. 

“I’ll see you next month,” he says. “I’m sorry I’ve got to go off again.”

“You’re busy,” she says. “It’s okay.”

“You’re all coming to some shows though, aren’t you?”

Tammi nods. “Looking forward to it.”

Louis says goodbye and heads off back to his rental house. 

The next day the DNA results are in. The baby is definitely Louis’. 

He already knew it, but fuck. Now it’s real. Now he’s got to change his entire life for the unexpected baby.

July 2015

Louis and Briana have been chatting daily, about the baby, sure, but about other stuff too. They’re getting on well, they’ve said they’re going to give it a go for the baby.

So when Briana and her brother, mum, and stepdad turn up backstage in San Diego Louis is genuinely happy to see all of them. He hugs each of them, smiling widely. 

Austin is really excited about seeing the gig, so Louis wanders up and down the corridors a bit, introducing him to people. Harry in particular spends ages talking to him and Louis takes a few photos of them both on Austin’s phone. 

He sends them with Preston to get to their seats, but Briana stays backstage. 

“I’m too sick,” she says, brandishing a bottle of water. “I don’t want to have to risk either having to run to the bathroom or puking in front of everyone.”

“Alright,” Louis nods. He kisses her forehead. They’ve been out once and hung out a couple of times, and honestly, though he does like her, he’s not sure they’re even going to fall in love or make it long term.

But it’s early days. 

Briana watches the gig on screens backstage, and everyone else has a great time front of house, and Louis feels like he’s floating on the compliments. 

*

It comes crashing down a couple of days later when Louis wakes up to a flurry of message on his phone. He ignores most of them but goes straight to Oli’s WhatsApp.

“Think the baby news might be out mate,” Oli said, four hours ago.

Fuck.

Louis stares at his phone, trying to decide if he can be bothered dealing with this right now. Briana is asleep in a room next door. They’d had a late dinner together, laughing and joking and talking in more solid terms about the baby. 

And now, what? 

Louis follows a link Lottie’s sent him. 

Fuck, the tabloids know. 

Who’s told? Who’s let the story slip? He can’t bear to think it’s someone in his family. Or Briana’s, really, although he’s not sure who exactly she’s told. Or someone in the 1D staff. Those are his three options.

He doesn’t want to believe it’s family, his or Briana’s. 

He texts Oli and tells him to find out where the leak is. 

Then he knocks carefully on Briana’s door to tell her. 

Later, he meets up with Oli at the venue. 

“How are you doing?” Oli asks.

“What’s everyone saying?”

Oli shrugs uncomfortably. 

“Come on,” Louis said. “I don’t want someone around who’s going to chat shit to tabloids.”

“Alright, but it’s not shit, is it? It’s true.”

Louis widens his eyes at his friend.

“It wasn’t me,” Oli says quickly. “Before you get that into your head.”

“Good,” Louis says, still feeling pissed off. He picks up his bag from his feet again and stalks past Oli into the room with his name on it. 

Oli doesn’t reappear, but then just before stage time Preston is in the doorway of the main room, looking shamefaced. 

Louis can’t believe it. His stomach feels like lead. 

“You’re fired,” Louis tells him. 

“You can’t do that,” Preston starts.

“I fucking can,” Louis snarls. “If you’ve let out this _private_ information…”

“They-” Preston says, but Louis pushes past him.

“I don’t want to see you here again,” he says, ending a professional relationship that he had, up until that point, considered one of his best working relationships. 

*

He has no choice but to talk about it. He’s asked about it and it’s not in his nature to be overly rude to journalists. He tries to keep his answers short but he already knows the tabloids are going to be going crazy over it. 

He loves being in 1D, he loves being a singer, and most of the time he doesn’t mind being recognised. He loves meeting fans, he likes being told that people love their music or whatever. He just wishes there wasn’t such an incessant need for details about his personal life. All the awful speculation he’s been subject to, and he somehow knows it’s about to get much, much worse. 

 

September 2015

The technician turns the screen towards them. They can hear the heart beat, whooshing so fast that Louis can barely hear the separate beats of it. They can see the baby - head at the bottom right now, then moving as the baby wriggles. 

Briana laughs. “Wow, oh my god.”

“It’s beautiful,” Louis says, watching the baby’s little limbs flail about. 

“It is.”

“It’s looking like a really healthy baby,” the technician says. “Measuring right on time for a due date of….” She consults something on her computer. “January 19th.”

“Cool,” Briana says. She hasn’t yet taken her eyes off the monitor.

“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” the technician asks.

“Yes please,” Louis says. He squeezes Briana’s hand. He’s glad there’s only the two of them here this time. He wants to be the first to hear.

“I think this…” she moves the wand again to show them the baby fully, “is a very healthy boy.”

“Fuck,” Louis breathes. 

“Oh god,” Briana says, laughing and crying at the same time. 

When they leave the doctor’s office Louis texts everyone he cares about to tell them it’s going to be a boy. Jay rings him straight away, like he absolutely knew she would, but when he gets off the phone to her he’s got a ton of messages congratulating him on the news.

His favourite message is from Niall which says, “Well done! The start of your football team xxx”.

Louis laughs and watches the video of the baby again on his phone. 

*

Louis’ sisters take to Briana immediately, Fizzy asking her a million questions about the baby and Lottie chatting to her about England. The London shows are always fun but this time it’s extra fun with so many of his family around and with Briana around too. She’s got a little bump now, just enough for you to know she’s pregnant, but she hasn’t felt any kicks yet. 

Louis and she are still skirting around whether they are together or aren’t together. Louis is getting to thinking that he doesn’t think they should be together, but he’s also not sure how exactly you say that to the woman who’s carrying your child. 

In the event, they end up in a secluded courtyard of the hotel together. It’s a nice evening, for London, although Louis is sure that Briana thinks it’s freezing because she pulls the long sleeves of her top over her hands. Louis trails his fingers over the plant next to the bench they’re sitting on. 

“I’m glad you could come,” he says softly. “Everyone really wanted to meet you.”

“It has been my pleasure. Your family is so cute.”

“Yeah, they’ll do,” Louis laughs. 

They both pause, Louis looking at the lantern swinging on a chain in front of him. He’s got to find the right words.

“Louis,” Briana starts, at the same time that he says,

“I don’t think-” he stops when she speaks.

“I don’t either,” she says.

“You don’t know what I was going to say.”

“Yes I do,” she says quietly. She reaches over and puts her hand on top of Louis’. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too.” Briana sighs, blowing her hair off her face. “I’m just not sure there is an us.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know.”

“I do like you a lot.”

“I like you a lot too, love.” Louis turns his hand and holds hers. 

“We can be friends though, right? For the baby?”

“Obviously, yeah.”

“Good.” She squeezes his fingers.

They sit there while the sky changes colour and brightens above them. At least Louis feels like all the adrenaline from the show has left his body, so he finally pulls Briana to her feet and hugs her in. 

She hugs back, gentle and soft. 

“Bed time,” Louis says, and they head back inside to the lifts. 

 

 

December 2015

Louis arrives in LA having barely slept on the flight, so he’s been awake for nearly 28 hours now and he’s knackered. He’s worrying about Briana and the baby, so as soon as he gets in his hire car he calls her.

“Hey you,” she says.

“Hey yourself. How’s himself?”

“Baby Tomlinson present and correct, sir. No, he’s fine. He’s almost too big to wriggle in there now.”

“Yeah? Is that normal?”

“Totally, apparently.”

“Are you giving him my surname?”

“I think so? I know you wanted me to…”

“I do, but…” 

“Yeah, no,” Briana says. “It means more to you than to me.”

“Thank you.” Louis checks carefully before pulling out of the car hire lane. He still has to remind himself to drive on the right and he’ll still be trying to change gear with the wrong hand. “So about that first name…”

“I’m still stuck,” Briana wails. “Jackson.”

“No. Nope, never.”

She laughs. “Are you in LA?”

“I am, until Monday.”

“Do you want to go shopping?”

“What else can he need?”

“Oh, you know…”

She’s playing it off as just shopping but something in her tone makes Louis think that she just wants to see him. He’s got the Jingle Ball, and he wants to see Danielle, but he’s got time to see Briana too. 

They make a date for Monday. 

The Jingle Ball is weird, but not exactly sad. Backstage everyone is in a good mood and although there’s plenty of alcohol flowing, Louis doesn’t have a drink himself. He tries to never sing drunk, and if he started right now he’s not sure he’d stop. Danielle joins him, though, and Louis enjoys introducing her to everyone. 

It’s weird because One Direction’s performances are numbered now, and everyone knows it. 

“We’re demob happy,” Niall says when Louis mentions it.

Louis frowns at him, not certain what he means. 

“You know, like soldiers about to be demobilised. Demob happy.”

“You say the oddest things,” Louis says, and is rewarded with a hug from Niall and a kiss on the cheek. 

It’s a good show. Louis feels like they’re on top of the world, so part of him feels like it’s a stupid time to bow out, but… But other people want to. 

After they’ve sung, he starts in on the beer and wine. 

The next day Louis is definitely hungover, so when Danielle suggests going out, Louis groans and says, “Can it not involve alcohol?”

“I know the perfect place,” Danielle says, and she drives them to a milkshake place. 

Louis has honestly never been so spoilt for choice for milkshake before. “I think I’ll go for Oreo,” he says.

“My treat,” Danielle says, pulling out her wallet. 

They choose a booth, shielded a little bit from the foot traffic by the front door. The whole place is pink, including the ceiling, and silver. The booth is made out of pink velvet banquettes with pink velvet up the sides too, studded into place with fake diamonds. It’s glorious, Louis loves it. Danielle laughs when he asks her to come and sit next to him, and he feels himself start to relax for the first time in ages.

“I know it’ll be weird for you when the baby comes…” Louis starts, trying to have a conversation that he’s been trying to have with her almost since the beginning. 

“Lou…” Danielle sighs. She pokes her milkshake with her straw. 

“But it will.”

“Sure, it might be. Can we just see what happens?”

“Are you happy with that?”

“Yeah. I am. We have a good time, we get along together… Maybe it’s not a long term thing.”

Louis thinks he was probably very much thinking it was a long term thing, but then maybe that’s just the type of person he is. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much anymore. “Alright, so…”

“So we’ll see.” Danielle laughs. “I like you, and you like me, so let’s just see how it goes when the baby is born. We can totally review in like two months.”

“Deal,” Louis says, and leans over to steal a slurp of her peanut butter milkshake.

*

When he sees Briana on Monday they have a nice time shopping, and when he drops her back off at home he says gently, “I think Danielle is sticking around when the baby’s born.”

“Right,” Briana says. She squints at her phone screen. “Right.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, hey. We tried, right? You and me is just not a thing.”

“I know.”

“Good luck with her.”

“Thank you,” Louis says. “How do you feel about Sydney?”

“For a name? I kinda like that. Sydney Tomlinson.”

“I’ve been giving it some deep thought.”

Briana laughs. “Will I see you again before Christmas?”

“Probably not. I’m in and out. X Factor and all of that.”

“Okay.”

“But everyone knows I’m on high alert and I’ll drop out if you need me.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“So ring me if you need to.”

“What happens if you’re onstage?”

Louis thinks. “I’ll give my phone to Lou and she’ll pass the message along.”

“Okay.” Briana unclicks her seatbelt and then stops.

“Are you okay? Is he kicking?”

“He is.” She picks up Louis’ hand and puts it right at the top of her bump, just under her boobs. “Press a little harder.”

“Fucking hell.”

“I know.” Briana grins. “Baby Tomlinson just showing you his soccer skills.”

“Football,” Louis says.

“Nuh uh. If my baby has to play it, you have to call it soccer.”

“I never agreed to that!”

“Then he’ll play baseball,” Briana laughs.

“Sydney Tomlinson is going to be England captain!” Louis protests, and they’re both still laughing when Briana gets out of the car. 

She turns. “I’ll see you.”

“Before he comes, hopefully.”

“Are you really into Sydney?”

“Yes.”

“Huh.” She frowns. “It’s growing on me.”

“Good,” Louis says, and waves back at her as he pulls away from the kerb. 

*

Louis wishes he could be almost any place on earth except here. He’s got about two hours before he’s expected on stage, but he would pay an awful lot of money to be anywhere except here. 

He can’t shake the feeling that this is all his fault, in some weird, twisted, karmic way. He’s fulfilled his professional dreams, he’s made it to the very top as a singer and made enough money that no one in his family has ever has to worry about paying the bills ever again, and while personally things haven’t been perfect, he’s got a baby on the way and he’s so excited to be a dad. He’s going to be there for his lad in a way his own father never was, he’s uprooted his entire life to move to LA so that he won’t miss a thing, only now, now there’s this. And it feels like it’s some kind of divine retribution for all the amazing things he’s done and seen and is yet to do. It’s his fault. 

He knows Jay’s been feeling ill and tired, but none of them ever thought it would come to this. She’s had a hundred tests and then she phoned last night, while Louis was in London rehearsing for the X Factor, for their last performance as a band before the hiatus, maybe ever, and he missed her call so she left a teary voicemail. And now he’s only just remembered to phone her back, which probably makes him the worst son alive, and she answered in tears, trying to wipe them away when there was no need, she didn’t have to be brave for him. 

It’s cancer, they’ve said. Blood cancer, a leukaemia of some kind. Louis thought that only little kids got that, not middle aged women. They’re not even sure what kind it is; she’s got to wait for more results, so they’re not sure what her prognosis is. Even the word prognosis seems scary and unknown. Louis talked to her for ages, and when there was a knock on the door Louis angrily told whoever it was to go away. Now he’s just sitting, waiting. He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. 

There’s another knock. “Louis,” a voice says. It’s Lou.

“Come in, yeah,” Louis says.

“Are you okay?”

“Mm, yeah, course.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah…” Louis isn’t about to tell her anything, or anyone, for that matter. He needs to keep this to himself for now.

“Okay, because you just shouted at Martina…”

“Fuck, tell her I’m sorry yeah? Just a lot on my mind.”

Lou comes and sits on the edge of the sofa, just an arm’s length away from Louis. “You’re going to be a great dad, you know.”

“What?”

“The baby. You’re going to do great. He’s going to be the most loved kid ever, yeah. You and Briana can work it out, I’m sure you can. Co-parenting isn’t easy but it’s worth it.”

“No, yeah…” Louis swallows. Bless her, she’s wrong but she’s trying her best. “Thanks.” He flashes a smile at her. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Lou grins back at him. “He’ll be a little cutie. You’d better send photos.”

“Obviously. And you can meet him, course you can.”

“Thanks. Everyone else is nearly ready. Are you?”

“Think so?” Louis gathers up his stuff and follows her out of the room. 

Harry is pulling his bottom lip, standing in the corridor just where the stage door is. He’s wearing the most ridiculous floral suit but it looks great on him. “Okay?” he says. 

“I’m okay,” Louis says quietly. He takes a bottle of water from someone standing with some nearby. “Are you?”

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Harry says, which is a typical Harry answer because it answers nothing. “It all started here and now it’s all ending here.” 

“I know.” Louis leans back against the wall, watching Harry carefully. He knows Harry is going to do amazingly. He’s got the talent and the fans to take on the whole world as a solo artist. He hopes Harry doesn’t regret any of his time in 1D. It hasn’t been that bad, has it?

“What?” Harry asks, raising his eyebrows at Louis.

Louis waggles his own back, hoping to ellicit a laugh. 

Harry does laugh. “What?!”

“Nothing,” Louis says. “It’s just mad, int it?”

“It is,” Harry agrees, nodding slowly. 

Liam is smiling when he arrives. Then Niall is last, looking slightly flustered. They all look at him but he just shrugs. 

Louis feels like each of them has secrets that once upon a time, they’d have shared with the others. Maybe it’s just growing up. Maybe it’s just growing apart. At one time Louis thought this hiatus was the worst idea in history, but with everything else going on he can see how some time might be nice. 

He’s just not sure what he himself is going to do next in his career.

At the end of the song Louis feels like he could throw up. It’s just too much. He must be bloody insane to be walking away from all this now. They all must be. The four of them look at each other and then come together to hug each other tightly. 

Louis wants to hold on to each of them forever. After five years, only the five of them know everything they’ve been through, only the five of them have been there and experienced the same stuff, and Louis knows that underneath everything else they’re tethered together because of that. It does feel like there’s a Zayn shaped hole tonight, even though Louis barely likes to think about him and definitely doesn’t want to speak to him. 

Onwards and upwards, as his grandad always says. He’s got a new phase of his life starting with the baby on the way, and now he’s got to help his mum get through this illness.

But he can’t pretend he isn’t sorry to be saying goodbye to the band, too. 

*

Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas. Louis is loathe to leave LA, because it feels like Briana might give birth any day, even though the obstetrician assured them both that she thought they had another month at least. It’s so hot in LA, too, not cold and dreary like December in Doncaster. Louis does a bit of Christmas shopping but it feels really weird to be doing it in the sunshine. He’s not sure what to buy for Danielle, so he just asks her outright.

“I would really love a high end blender?” she says. “You know, for smoothies and shit?”

“A blender? Really?”

“You asked me what I want!” she protests, laughing.

“It’s not very romantic, is it?”

“Extremely useful, though.”

“Nah, you’ll force me to drink all that green nonsense.”

Danielle laughs more. Louis leans in to kiss her. With all the worry over his mother and the stress over the baby, Danielle has been a breath of fresh air for him. He’s happy to be with her. 

“Choose something,” she says. “I don’t mind.”

As it is, they swap presents on the 22nd. Louis chose a bracelet for her as well as the blender, and she seems to like it. 

“I will see you for New Year,” Louis says as he drops her at a friend’s later that evening.

“You will,” she says, and kisses him before she gets out of the car. 

The next day Louis jets off to Heathrow, picks up a hire car, and picks Fizzy up on his way. He’s anxious about seeing his mum, in case she looks ill or in case it’s awful, but he’s determined to hide that from Fizzy so he plasters on a smile for her. 

“Alright sunshine?” he says, and hugs her.

“I’m okay,” she says. She looks so grown up - like the young woman she’s fast becoming. Soon she’ll be choosing her A level choices and then she’ll be off to uni - the first one in their whole family to go. Louis is so proud of her. He smiles at her as he drives. 

“Stop staring at me,” she says, her eyes on her phone. 

Louis rolls his eyes but concentrates on getting out of London and round to the A1. His mum always insists on following the M1 north and then across the M18, but Louis likes the crap old highway of the A1. There’s still parts where it’s a dual carriageway, not a motorway, and it reminds him of going south with his grandparents when he was little, in their old Ford Sierra with the wind down windows. 

“Mum never comes this way,” Fizzy says, when she finally looks up from Twitter or Snapchat or whatever she’s looking at. 

“Mum’s not driving,” he tells her. “Are you excited for Christmas?”

“Spose so,” Fizzy says. Now she’s put her phone down she fiddles with the radio. “Lou?”

Louis knows what’s coming; he’s been bracing himself for this question ever since Jay told him she was ill. He has no idea how he’s going to answer, though, even though he’s thought about it in a hundred different ways. 

“What happens if this is Mum’s last Christmas?” Fizzy asks.

To hear those words spoken out loud is much, much worse than Louis thought it would be. He can feel it through his body all the way down to his toes. 

“It won’t be,” he says. 

“You don’t know that,” Fiz says quietly. 

Louis waits a few moments. “No, alright, I don’t. I don’t know that. None of us do. We can just hope it isn’t.”

“But-”

“Love,” Louis says softly. “None of us can predict the future, can we? We can just hope that Mum gets better, we have to believe she will.”

When he looks over Fizzy is rubbing tears from her eyes. “I know.”

“And maybe we need to make this the best Christmas ever, yeah? Then, if the worst happens…”

Fizzy sobs a little bit, nodding.

Louis wants to pull over on the side of the road and hug her, but there’s too much traffic and he doesn’t want to risk a police car pulling up behind him. 

He passes a sign for a service station with a Marks and Spencer. “Come on,” he says, indicating to pull off left. 

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to buy Mum some flowers.”

“From where?”

“M&S.”

“Okay,” Fiz says. “She’ll like some flowers.”

“Not just some flowers,” Louis grins. “ _All_ the flowers.”

He pulls into a space in the car park and they get out. Fizzy looks sort of confused but she follows him anyway. The Marks & Spencer has about twenty five bouquets in pots of water just outside the shop itself. Louis gets a trolley and starts loading them up, and then Fizzy has to get one too because there’s just no sensible way to stack twenty five bouquets of flowers. She’s giggling loudly and when an older sales assistant comes across to help Louis can’t help but laugh too when the lady looks at them bemusedly. 

Twenty five bouquets of flowers are by no means cheap but when Louis gets back in the car he knows it’s been worth it just for the smile on Fizzy’s face. The scent is almost overwhelming, so they turn on the aircon and then when Louis protests that he’s too cold, Fizzy fiddles with the sound system and her phone until she finds something they both want to dance to. 

Jay looks better than he thought she might, although she for real looks tired. She opens the door with a smile. “Hello!”

“Come and see,” Louis says, beckoning her towards the car. 

“What…” she says, and then widens her eyes at all the flowers propped on the back seat. “What on earth…”

“We brought you flowers,” Fizzy laughs. 

It takes ages for them all to be unloaded and vases to be found. Jay doesn’t own enough so they end up leaving several bunches in the kitchen sink and others they just leave in their cellophane in everyone’s rooms, Louis and Fizzy slipping in to each bedroom to leave flowers on dressing tables or bedside tables or beds.

“You’re both bloody mental,” Lottie complains when they pass her in the living room for the fourth time.

“I know,” Louis says, but he doesn’t care.

Dan’s made spaghetti carbonara and garlic pizza breads for tea, and only when he can smell the garlic does Louis realise just how hungry he is. 

As usual there’s a flurry of activity as food is served and plates are passed and Lottie pours water for everyone near to her. 

“Thanks love,” Louis says.

Jay asks how Briana is and if he’s ready for the baby, and they all chat about that for a bit - “No,” Louis says, “I’ll never be ready until he’s actually here, I swear” - and then Jay says,

“Listen Lou, I’ve already said this to everyone else…”

He looks at her. “Mmm?” 

“I don’t want me being ill to be public knowledge.”

“Right.”

“I know I could do all of that Hello, OK stuff, raise some awareness and all of that.” Jay shakes her head, twirling some spaghetti round her fork. “But I just can’t bear it. I want it to be private.”

Louis’ fame has affected the whole family, obviously, he knows that. But by and large it’s been positive attention; they’ve been able to do positive things with their money and for charity and Jay more than anyone has thrown herself into the public eye, supporting him and doing all the things she ever wanted to help happen. So he can’t complain if she wants this kept under wraps.

And after the baby announcement debacle, Louis knows that means telling literally no one. He can’t take that risk. He nods at his mother. “Course,” he says. “Anything you want.”

Christmas itself is lovely, a flurry of presents for the younger ones and thoughtful gifts for Louis. Jay likes her presents too, but as usual she spends most of the morning in the kitchen trying to get everything ready. 

Louis follows her when she excuses herself yet again. “Mum.”

“Let me fuss,” she says, pre-empting what he’s going to say. 

“Come and enjoy the day.”

“In just a minute.”

Louis slips his arm round her waist. 

“I’ll get through it,” she says.

“I know,” Louis says, and rests his head on her shoulder like he’s thirteen again and still short enough to do that. 

“And you’re going to be the best daddy ever.”

“I know that, too,” Louis says.

He’s going to try very hard to believe both of those things more than he currently does. 

 

January 2016

Louis can’t sit still. He knows he has to be here in LA, he knows that the baby is coming any minute, but he wants to be at home, he wants to be with his mum. He’s phoned her every day so far, so much that he’s probably driving her mental. He’s been wandering around the new house, trying to settle into it. He’s gone over everything in the baby’s room a million times, even though everything’s perfect and even though the baby won’t be sleeping there for ages anyway. He’s shopped so much that his credit card is practically begging him to give it a rest. He’s been swimming every morning, trying to get used to being able to do that in the LA winter. 

He’s incredibly unused to not having something to do, to not having something band related to do. Whether it was writing with their crew, or rehearsing, or touring itself, Louis hasn’t had nothing to do in years, and it doesn’t sit well with him.

He makes himself a berry smoothie after his swim. He bought himself the same blender he’d bought for Danielle and it’s pretty good. He texts her. She’s working, so he doesn’t expect an answer very quickly. He goes back out to sit by the pool and tips his face up towards the sunshine, sipping on the smoothie. 

There’s a few words going round in his head, a few sorts of something that could be lyrics if he thought about it. 

He goes inside to fetch a guitar, not the new one he treated himself to recently, but an older, more battered one, one whose strings feel more familiar under his fingers. He finds a notebook and a pen, and goes back outside to write. 

He’s still there hours later when his stomach is rumbling. 

*

Briana’s face flashes up on Louis’ phone.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I think it’s time?” she says.

“Fuck really?” Louis’ heart starts to thud horribly. 

“Yeah.” Briana sounds like she’s very far away. “My waters broke a while ago and my contractions are like fifteen minutes apart now?”

“Okay. Okay.” Louis stands up from the sofa, frantically trying to think about what he needs to take with him. 

“So we’re heading over to the hospital now.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“Thanks Louis,” she says quietly. “I’m really scared?”

“So am I,” Louis says. “Shit scared.”

“Extremely shit scared.” She laughs softly. “Nothing’s ever going to be the same again.”

“Nope, definitely. Fuck. Are you okay?”

“Well, they weren’t kidding about the pain.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll see you there, yeah? Text me if you can’t find us.”

Louis hangs up and picks up his keys and wallet. What else does he need? 

Oh, right. He’s got a tiny outfit that Jay bought for the baby, and he’s hoping Briana won’t mind if it’s the first thing baby Sydney wears. He runs upstairs for it and then dashes downstairs and into the car. 

Tammi and Brett are are the hospital when Louis arrives. 

“Hey!” Tammi says brightly. She’s filling in some forms on a clipboard. “Bri is just down the hall. The third door, I think. You need this.” She hands him a bracelet. 

“Thank you,” Louis says, and fastens it around his wrist, then flashes a smile at them both before going to find Briana.

She’s sitting on the bed breathing in and out slowly. “Hey.”

“Hello.” Louis leans to hug her. “How’s it going?”

“Okay, I think. Are you staying?”

“I wouldn’t miss all of this for the world.”

“Good,” Briana smiles. “Thank you.”

It takes forever. The midwives are excellent, coming in and out while Briana is labouring, calming everyone down. Louis goes to buy cold drinks for everyone and when he gets back the doctor is examining her. 

“A little way off,” he says, but he seems pretty happy so Louis tries to relax a little bit more. 

It takes forever but then the end seems to take no time at all. Briana reaches for Louis’ hand and grabs on, but she’s kind of zoned out entirely, like her mind is somewhere else. Louis keeps muttering encouraging things to her, hoping that that’s helping on some level, but honestly he feels fucking useless. 

But then there’s a noise, a cry that’s not like any cry Louis has ever heard before, and the doctor lifts the baby up on to Briana’s chest, a mess of blood and god knows what else, but he is immediately the most perfect thing Louis has ever seen.

“Hello,” Briana says, crying and laughing at the same time. 

“He’s perfect,” Louis says, and reaches to touch him, to stroke just the back of his gorgeous little hand. “Hello baby.”

“He is,” Briana says. 

Louis kisses her forehead. “Well done.”

“Thank you,” Briana says. 

Once the baby and Briana are both cleaned up Louis gets to hold him for the first time. “Hi baby,” he whispers. “I’m daddy.”

He texts basically everyone is his phone book and Facetimes his mum, who is just crying when she sees the baby’s face. 

“He’s beautiful.” she says.

“He’s the most precious thing in the world,” Louis says.

“My baby boy is a dad!” Jay wails, and Louis laughs with her. 

Then Briana’s grandma and brother and aunt turn up, making the room feel a bit crowded. Louis feels superfluous. 

“I’m going to get a breath of air,” he says to Briana. “I’ll see you in a bit.” 

Outside the hospital Oli is waiting in his car. “Well hello daddy!”

Louis laughs and slides in. “It’s weird isn’t it?”

“Very! You’re not old enough to be a dad.”

“I know.”

“Where are we going?”

“Anywhere. Just drive. I just need a minute.” 

“How come?”

“Oh, you know, all of Briana’s family in there…”

“Your mum’ll come soon though won’t she?”

“Yeah, course, she’s booking the flights as we speak.”

“Good.” Oli gets on to the motorway.

Louis puts the window down to feel the cool air on his face. “Fuck, I’m a dad. _Fuck_.”

“What’s the baby called?”

“Sydney, I think.”

“That’s nice. Good choice.”

Louis laughs. “Thanks mate.”

They stop at a strip mall. As Louis steps out of the car he clocks the paparazzi a few spaces away.

“Paps,” he says quietly to Oli.

Oli nods. “Ignore ‘em.”

“I’m trying,” Louis says.

When they get back to the hospital, Briana’s still surrounded by family, but she makes them all leave to go get a drink. Louis takes the baby from Tammi. 

“I’m not sure he’s a Sydney,” Briana says.

“No?”

“No. His face doesn’t fit.”

Louis looks at the baby carefully. “What else do you like?”

“Alfie?”

“Alfie,” Louis says, but it sounds totally different in her accent than to hers. “Maybe?”

“I like Rain, though. Only maybe spelled differently. R-E-I-G-N.”

Louis smiles. “Our little king, yeah.”

“Exactly.” Briana reaches out to tuck the blanket more carefully around the baby. 

“Freddie?” Louis says. “That was my other choice.”

“Freddie. Freddie Reign Tomlinson.”

They both look at the baby, like they’re waiting for a sign, but he just breathes a little sigh. 

“I like it,” Louis says. 

“I do too,” Briana says. “Welcome to the world, Freddie Reign.”

 

February 2016

“I’m so nervous,” Danielle says. 

Louis just picked her up on the way to the airport to pick up his mum. It’s the first time they’re going to meet, and it’s the first time Jay’s going to see Freddie, too. There’s a lot going on. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t introduce his mum to a new girlfriend so soon, but time seems to have no meaning anymore. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. 

“Don’t be,” Louis says. “My mum’s lovely.”

“God, I’m sure, of course. She raised you didn’t she?”

Louis laughs. “Thanks.”

Danielle laughs too but Louis knows she means it. 

Traffic is inching along to the airport and Louis taps the wheel impatiently. 

“When are we picking up Freddie?” Danielle asks. 

“Ten. If we ever get through this nonsense.”

“Plenty of time.” Danielle changes the track on the stereo and sings along when Taylor Swift starts. 

“Listen,” Louis says. “I need to tell you something, but I really, really need you to not tell anyone…”

“Okay…” Danielle stops dancing in her seat and he can feel her eyes on him. 

“My mum’s got cancer,” Louis says. The word sticks in his throat. He swallows horribly. 

“Oh god, really?”

“Yeah. Leukaemia. Blood cancer.”

“That’s awful. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. She’s having some treatment, they’re trying to sort stuff out, you know?”

“Good. Good, I hope it works.”

“Yeah, me too.” Louis reaches to take her hand. “I wouldn’t have said, but… Well, she might look ill.”

“I’m glad you did. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks love,” Louis says, and lets go of her to change lane. 

Jay and Danielle are at first just extremely polite to each other, but then Danielle says something about how much she likes Louis and that they’re having a good time together, and it’s like that makes Jay soften towards her. They laugh on the way to Briana’s. 

Jay insists on going inside. “Are you seriously telling me that you usually stand outside and wait for them to bring Freddie out to you?”

“We haven’t done this very much yet,” Louis protests. “We’ve swapped over elsewhere before now.”

“It’s rude, Louis.”

“Please give me a break,” Louis says, but he feels the sting of her reproach anyway and resolves to do better. 

“Hello!” Jay says when Briana opens the door. “It’s nice to see you, love.”

“Oh, hey… Thanks?” Briana steps back to let them all in and Louis tries to apologise to her with his eyes on the way past. 

Freddie is asleep in his car seat, already bundled up ready for the car. Jay beams at him anyway.

“What a gorgeous little thing,” she says.

“Oh, huh, we think so?” Briana says. 

“How’s your mum doing?” Jay asks her.

“She’s good. Thrilled for the baby, of course…”

“Obviously. First grandbaby. He’s perfect!”

“Thank you,” Briana says. “How are you doing?”

“I can’t complain,” Jay says, and smiles.

Louis is pretty reassured that up close she looks no different to how she looked last time he saw her. “Anyway,” he says, and picks up the car seat. “We’ll have him back about four?”

“Thanks,” Briana says. She herds them to the door without much fanfare. “Have fun.” The door closes with a click before Louis is even at the bottom of the steps.

“You’ve got to be nice to each other,” Jay says. 

“We’re trying,” Louis snaps, and then feels bad about it, so when he straightens up from the car seat he says sorry. 

In Louis’ house, Louis carefully lifts Freddie out of the seat to take off his jacket and little socks. “He doesn’t like his feet to be too warm,” he says. “There, look. Freddie Reign.”

“Oh, Lou,” Jay says quietly.

“I knew you’d cry,” Louis says, and kisses Freddie’s head before handing him over to his mum.

 

 

April 2016

The buzzer on Louis’ gate goes and he jumps up to open it. Freddie is asleep in the Moses basket, his little arms stretched above his head. Louis makes sure he’s okay and then goes to the intercom.

“We’re here!” Jay says, and honestly, her voice and accent are the most gorgeous thing Louis has ever heard in his life. 

“Come on in,” Louis says, buzzing to let them.

The rental is a huge van, fitted out with car seats for the littlies, and Daisy and Phoebe in the very back row. Fizzy is sitting in the middle of the little ones, rolling her eyes at Louis as she gets out of the van. The van is huge but it looks tiny against the house.

Dan gives a low whistle. “This is a nice place, Lou.”

“Yeah, I like it,” Louis says, sweeping Doris up into a cuddle and to blow raspberries on her skin. “I hope you brought your swimming costumes.”

“Ooh, is there a pool?!” Phoebe says.

“Never mind about the pool!” Jay says, her arm catching round Louis’ waist. “Find me the baby.”

“He’s asleep just now,” Louis says. “But come in.”

They all head inside, and Louis leads them into the cool, darkened living room. Jay tiptoes across to the Moses basket and peeks in.

“Oh, he is awake,” she says. “Hello little one. It’s Grandma, do you remember me?”

Louis goes across too. “Hello mate. Your English family have come to visit. Why don’t you come and meet them.” He reaches to pick Freddie up, and cuddles him close. 

“He’s grown loads,” Jay says, touching his little foot. “Can I take him?”

“Course,” Louis says, and surreptitiously smells his bum before handing him over. 

Everyone has a cuddle, obviously, but Jay keeps hold of Freddie when everyone else has got bored. Louis shows everyone round the house and then everyone heads outside. The little ones are smothered in sun cream and Fizzy dips her feet in the pool, struggling to roll up her tight jeans. 

“He likes you,” Louis says to his mother, pouring her a glass of the juice he brought out and which is dripping condensation on to the glass table.

“I’m quite enamoured with him!” Jay says, laughing.

“Tell me about chemo,” Louis says.

Jay’s treatment started three weeks ago, but when Louis has asked her about it over the phone she’s brushed him off and not said much about it. She’s having chemo every other week, so this is her off week. She looks tired, Louis thinks, and her eyes are a bit bloodshot, but otherwise she looks much the same as normal. 

Jay shakes her head. “Later, love. Let me pretend everything’s normal for a bit first.” She strokes Freddie’s cheek with her finger. 

Later, everyone’s in bed except for Louis and Jay and Dan. They’re still outside, watching the sunset and listening to the crickets in the garden. Louis found some beers when he came down from putting Freddie to bed in the cot in Louis’ room. It’s the first time he’s slept there and Louis just knows he won’t sleep a wink. He’s bad enough listening to Freddie breathing on the monitor in front of him. 

“This is parenthood!” Jay says. “I don’t think I’ve slept properly since 1990.”

Louis laughs. “Come on, please tell me how the chemo went.”

She sighs. “It’s aggressive, yeah. They’re really going for it, so it takes three hours to get it all through me.”

“Fucking hell.”

“I know. It knocks me out. And I think I’m already losing my hair.”

“It looks fine,” Dan murmurs, clearly not the first time he’s had to say that.

“What else have they said?” Louis asks. 

Dan and Jay look at each other. 

“We just have to take it step by step,” Jay says, which Louis thinks isn’t really an answer at all.

The next day his grandparents fly in and Dan goes to pick them up. They clamber out of the van and cuddle Louis between them. 

“Come and meet Freddie,” Louis says.

Freddie is out on the grass with Phoebe playing with a ball with him. There’s hugs and cuddles and cans of pop and splashes in the pool, and it’s perfect, it is what Louis thinks family life is. He leans down and smiles at Freddie, who rewards him with a smile of his own.

“Cheeky,” Louis tells him.

The intercom goes again. Louis isn’t expecting anyone so he flips to video. There’s a taxi parked on the street outside, and someone getting a huge suitcase out of the boot…

“Lottie!” Louis says, when he’s buzzed her in and gone outside to meet her on the path. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“No I know, but I managed to juggle things a bit…” She leans in for a hug.

“Icing on the fucking cake!” Louis says. “Come in, come through. I hope you’ve brought your bikini…”

“I definitely have. Hi!” Lottie goes over to kiss her mum and then goes over to look at Freddie.

Who immediately smiles at her. Little shit, he’s never met her before and he doesn’t always smile at Louis. Louis laughs. “This is Auntie Lottie, she’ll keep you right,” he says.

“How can you be a dad?” Lottie asks, straightening up. “You’ve got whale inflatables in your pool, for fuck’s sake.”

“You leave my orcas alone,” Louis says protectively. “Or I won’t let you ride them.”

She laughs. 

Dinner that night is a huge barbecue and tons of salads that they picked up earlier in the day. Louis stretches out on a lounger afterwards with a beer. 

“Let’s get some photos tomorrow,” Jay says. “While we’re all here.”

“Yeah, totally,” Louis says. “Briana’s coming at midday, so before then.”

“How’s things going with her?”

“Alright, I think?” Louis rubs his face. He feels like everything’s just landed on him at once and tonight, he feels very, very tired of it all. “We haven’t resorted to only speaking through lawyers yet.”

“Did you tell her about me?”

“No. No, I just… I don’t trust all of her family, you know?”

“Course. Are you alright?”

“I’m knackered. I might turn in.”

“Good idea,” Jay says, and drains her glass. “I will too.”

They leave Dan and Lottie and Louis’ grandparents chatting and go upstairs. Jay follows him into his bedroom to peep at Freddie again.

“He’s just like you, isn’t he?”

“Yeah he looks a lot like me.”

“He’s gorgeous.”

“Thank you.”

“Sleep well,” Jay says, tucking the blanket back around Freddie, and he thinks she means the baby, but then she comes around to where Louis is sitting on the edge of the bed and kisses his forehead, like he’s still nine years old and is heading upstairs after a bath.

He hugs her in, resting his head on her stomach for a minute. “You too,” he says. “You too.”

*

The mood has lifted the next day. Fizzy has procured pancakes from somewhere, or she’s made them, Louis wouldn’t put it past her, so the first thing he’s greeted with when he gets into the kitchen is the sizzle of hot fat and the smell of fresh strawberries. He dollops a ton of squirty cream on top of his pancake and fruit, and takes a seat outside with his mum. Freddie’s already had his breakfast, so he’s happy on the lounger between Louis’ knees, waving his little arms. 

“Thanks Fiz,” Louis says, when she drops another pancake on his plate. 

After breakfast they manage to get just one photo of everyone together. The little ones are too wriggly, and Freddie first of all screams his head off and then falls asleep. But they get it, and Louis’ grandad immediately says that he’ll get some prints ordered. 

Louis starts to pack up all of Freddie’s things while Jay holds him close, playing with him and kissing his little head. She cries a little bit, so Louis cuddles both of them just before midday. 

“You’ll see him again soon,” Louis says quietly.

“I know. I know.” She drops another kiss on his head and smooths her fingers over the little bit of hair on the front of his head. “I wish I could see him all the time, that’s all.”

“I know the feeling,” Louis says.

“But things are okay with Briana?”

“Yeah. Yeah, mostly, if I want to see him we sort it out.” Louis shrugs and picks up the little ball he bought for Freddie a couple of weeks ago.

“Mine,” Doris says, snatching it.

“It’s Freddie’s,” Louis says patiently. “Sorry love.”

“Nope.” Doris shakes her head, making her curls bounce. “Mine.”

“Doris,” Jay says warningly, starting towards her, but Doris takes off, the ball clutched to her chest, toddling quickly away from them.

“It’s fine,” Louis says. “Let her keep it. I’ll get him another.”

“Thanks lovely,” Jay says, and she looks so, so tired that it makes Louis sad in the most profound part of him.

Briana stands against the car waiting for them. She looks a little wary, probably wondering if anyone else will come out to speak to her, but then she gives a wide smile anyway. “Hey.”

“Hiya.” Louis opens the car door to strap Freddie’s seat in carefully. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, sure. How’s he been?” Briana leans in to speak to Louis. 

“Really good! Yep, he behaved himself perfectly and everyone loved meeting him.” Louis presses a kiss to Freddie’s cheek. “You be good for mummy, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, when will you see him again?” Briana asks.

“Friday? Does that work for you?”

She nods and opens the driver’s door.

“Listen,” Louis says, opening it for her so she can slide in. “We’ve got some family stuff going on so I’m going to be here there and everywhere…”

Briana frowns. “So what are you saying?”

“I obviously still want to see Freddie every time I can… It just might be a bit sporadic? A bit last minute.”

“Okay,” Briana says slowly. “Sure.”

“We can sort it out between us, can’t we?”

“Sure. Is everything okay?”

Louis shrugs. 

She almost flinches when she realises he won’t share any more with her. 

“Okay,” she says, swallowing. “I hope whatever it is is okay soon.”

“Thanks.” Louis hates the pain on her face and thinks once again that this wasn’t how he saw the relationship with the mother of his child working out, but he also just isn’t sure who in her family he can trust. No one in his family wants this to get out, least of all Jay, so this is just the way it’s got to be.

He closes the car door for Briana. She flashes a smile. “See you Friday.”

“Friday, Freddie,” Louis says into the back, and blows kisses as the car goes back down his drive. 

 

 

May 2016

Louis’ knee is bouncing and Danielle reaches over and puts her hand on it gently to stop him. 

“Sorry,” he whispers, sliding his eyes to hers.

“It’ll be okay,” she says, and then she threads her fingers through his to hold his hand. 

Louis nods vaguely, and tries to turns his attention back to Jamie and Becky, who are just about pledging to forsake all others and live happily ever after. 

He can’t deal with this. He lets go of Danielle’s hand to reach into his jacket and check his phone again. Nothing. 

Bloody hell.

Around him people start to applaud and Louis flinches, because his mind had been miles away. Jamie and Becky are kissing, Louis hadn’t realised they’d got to that bit already. Jamie scoops up Sofia in his arms and kisses her, too. 

The castle is gorgeous. Everyone troops outside for photos. Louis snaffles two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and passes one to Danielle. Oli, ever the professional, takes an orange juice. Louis told him it didn’t matter, not today, but maybe Louis will want to drive home later. He checks his phone again. He usually has it on silent but today he’s turned the volume way up. 

He wanted to go with Jay to the hospital. He’d offered, and he knows Jamie would’ve understood. Jay said she’d be okay, that she had Dan with her, and that he should go and enjoy the wedding with Danielle.

Which is fine, except that Louis can’t think of anything except his mother. 

Fortunately, Danielle can tell he’s on another world and she steps into the conversations that people keep trying to start with Louis. She smiles widely and keeps chatting, even with people she doesn’t know. Louis smiles and tries to joke a couple of times, but he can’t stop checking his phone. 

They end up on a table with some of the Leicester City footballers for the meal. Fortunately, the one on Danielle’s right starts to flirt outrageously with her, leaving Louis to chat quietly to Oli. Louis sends a text to Dan, but doesn’t get a reply. Then, typically, right in the middle of the speeches, his phone starts to ring. 

Louis cancels the call and shoots an apologetic glance at Jamie, who smiles at him with his hands in a ‘no worries’ gesture. Louis keeps glancing at his phone, but Jay doesn’t ring again and she doesn’t send a text. It feels like the speeches go on forever.

Finally, when they’re done, Louis heads outside. He finds a table away from the smoking area and phones his mum. 

“Hello,” she says, sounding tired. Also, she never says hello. It’s weird.

It’s bad, isn’t it? That’s why she sounds all weird.

“Hi,” Louis says quietly. 

“Oh, Lou,” Jay says, and then there’s a noise that he realises is her crying. 

Louis squeezes his eyes together. “It’s bad.”

“Yeah,” Jay says. “Yes, love, I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck are you sorry for?” Louis says. The tears spill over. Louis rubs them away but they’re followed by just more, and more. 

“Lou,” Jay says, with such sympathy that Louis could almost believe he’s the one that’s ill and not her. 

“What did they say?”

“Well.” Jay takes a few deep breaths. “There’s a few things they can try, they -”

“But it is terminal?”

“Yes,” Jay says, a wobble in her voice. “It is.”

“Fuck.”

“Don’t swear, love.”

Louis laughs, slightly hysterically. “Is that what you’re focussing on?”

Jay laughs softly. 

His mother is going to die and he’s going to have to live the rest of his life without hearing that laugh.

What the fuck are they all going to do without her? 

They chat a bit longer, but then Jay says, “Go back to the wedding, yeah. We can talk about all of this tomorrow.”

“Mmm,” Louis says, and stands up. He waves to Danielle, who is coming towards him, her heels clicking softly on the gravel. “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweet boy,” Jay says, and hangs up.

He doesn’t even have to say anything to Danielle; his face must give it away. Danielle reaches up to hug him hard. 

“Thanks,” Louis says. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sure it isn’t,” Danielle says. She tucks her arm into his and they head back towards the doorway. 

There’s a few smokers gathered nearby, including Jamie. “Are you alright?” he asks.

“Family stuff,” Louis says. “You know how it is.” 

“I do mate,” Jamie says, and punches his arm lightly. 

Louis smiles. “Thanks, eh. Well, I suppose I’d better go and warm up me voice and that.”

“Oh yeah,” one of the others says. “What are we getting? Steal My Girl? Careful with that one, Jamie.”

Louis smiles at the lighthearted ribbing and heads back inside. Fortunately, he really does have stuff to do. He said he’d sing when Jamie asked him, and while he has got a couple of 1D numbers planned, he also wants to sing a couple of covers. There’s a small room where he’s left some of his stuff, so he sits in there for a bit, alone, texting the girls and Dan. Louis understood that Jay didn’t want anyone to know, but now that she’s actually going to die, it just seems weird that there’s almost no one he can tell. 

He wishes so many things were so different. Freddie is going to grow up without his grandma. That breaks Louis’ heart almost more than anything else. 

He keeps it together for Jamie and Becky. He manages to sing alright, he thinks. Everyone’s a bit drunk by then anyway, and people sing along to all the songs and when he’s finished there are rowdy whoops and cheers. 

“Thanks,” Louis says, ducking his head, and steps off the makeshift stage to go back to the little room. He feels euphoric, and weirdly like he’s standing outside of his body watching himself. Being back behind a microphone felt right - it felt _normal_. 

Jay’s been saying for months that he needed to decide what he was going to do - whether he was going to get into producing, whether he wanted to write for other people, or whether he was in fact going to start his own solo career. She, of course, thought he had the talent for a solo career, but Louis isn’t sure he ever believed that. But maybe, just maybe, this is the kick up the arse he needs. 

He changes back into his suit and heads back out to find Danielle and Oli.

“I need to go,” he says.

Oli nods. Louis can tell Danielle’s told him what Jay said on the phone and he’s grateful that he won’t have to say those words. Out the front of the castle there’s paps waiting and Louis tries to ignore them - they don’t matter, it’s fine. He gets into the car and closes his eyes, desperate to just go to sleep. 

He and Danielle are staying in Chester. The hotel is stunning and Louis was looking forward to a long leisurely breakfast, maybe a soak in the jacuzzi and a bit of a swim before going across to Yorkshire, but instead he tells the receptionist that they’ll have breakfast in bed at 8am. 

“That’s early,” Danielle says as they walk away from the front desk.

“I just want to get home,” Louis says, pressing the button for the lift. 

“Okay,” she says. She keeps looking at him like he’s breakable, like he’s about to just cease to exist in front of her. 

Louis watches the display on the lift as they climb the floors. He’s just said he wants to get “home”, but Doncaster isn’t home, not really, not anymore. Home has always been wherever family was, up to and including wherever Freddie was, now. 

How’s there supposed to be a home without his mother? His brain just can’t even cope with all of this. He’s suddenly more exhausted than he’s ever felt. 

He follows Danielle out of the lift and along a silent corridor to their room. Danielle opens the door and immediately kicks her shoes off. 

“Oh my god, that is better.”

Louis laughs a bit, amused by the look of ecstasy on her face. He shrugs off his jacket, and while he’d usually hang it up and make sure it doesn’t get creased, he just can’t be bothered. He lays it across the desk, though, and folds his tie up on top of it. 

“Could you undo my dress?” Danielle asks, her back turned to him.

He steps closer to her to undo the hook at the top and then unzips the zip. He touches her shoulders as he does it, and then kisses the back of her neck. She turns, hesitant, but he closes his eyes and finds her mouth, a little insistently. He wants her. He really wants her. 

“Lou,” she says softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Please, can we just…?”

“Okay,” she nods, drops her dress to the floor in a puddle. She unhooks her bra, her eyes on Louis the whole time. 

She think he’s going to fall apart.

Tomorrow, maybe. 

Right now, he wants the oblivion of orgasm. He silently undresses, lays his shirt and trousers with the rest of his clothes, and kisses Danielle again.

This time she’s more receptive, her arms around him, stepping right into his space.

He lifts her carefully on to the bed and follows her as she moves back against the pillows.

*

In the morning there’s a FaceTime message from Freddie. Well, Briana is there too, obviously, but she checks the video is working and then moves the view on to Freddie. He’s babbling happily and flailing his little arms. Briana keeps chatting to him, telling him to “show Daddy your new smile!” and so on. Louis watches it five times and saves it for good. 

Then he sends it to his mum. He’s not sure why that wasn’t the first thing he did. It’s like she’s already gone. 

God, it’s awful. He’s going to have to make decisions about how and when to tell Briana. He’s just going to say Jay isn’t well. There’s no point saying more until he knows more himself. 

In person. It’ll be better in person.

These are fucking shit decisions to have to be making when you’re twenty-four, Louis thinks as he’s staring at himself in the mirror while he’s shaving. 

He leaves Danielle with Oli and sets off towards Doncaster. It’s not a bad drive over the Pennines, but it takes longer than he thought it would and Lottie’s messaging him to say dinner’s ready and he’s late. 

“Start without me,” he says, calling her hands free just as he’s coming through Penistone. “I don’t mind.”

“That’ll never happen, golden boy,” Lottie says, and then hangs up, leaving Louis laughing to an empty car. 

The house smells of people and cooking when he gets there. Daisy comes out to meet him first and he squeezes her hard. 

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she says quietly.

“Oh love,” Louis says, and follows her into the dining room.

“Lou,” Jay says. She’s got a pot in her hands, on its way to the table, and she puts it down before hugging him, the oven gloves still on her hands, their residual heat weirdly comforting on his arms. 

“Alright?” Louis says, because what the fuck else is he supposed to say? This is all new. He’s scared of saying the wrong thing.

When he steps back to look at Jay he thinks again that you’d barely know anything was wrong with her. Sure, she looks tired, a little bit older round the eyes than she’s ever looked before. But otherwise, she just looks like his mum.

Usually whenever he’s home everyone clamours to sit next to him and he ends up with one of the babies next to him, feeding them bits of his food as well as theirs, and one of his sisters on his other side, talking nineteen to the dozen about everything that’s happened since he last spoke to them. 

But this time, he’s next to Jay, an empty seat next to her seat in the window. Louis sits down and smiles at Fizzy on his other side. 

There’s a silence, just for a few moments. 

“Come on!” Jay says, picking up her plate to hold out to Dan, who’s at the other end of the table with a big spoon in his hand. “It’ll get cold if you all just sit here.”

Everyone jolts, allowed to move, and the chatter starts up, everyone talking over each other and Jay’s laugh as someone tells her a story. Louis smiles at his mum as she hands him a plate. This is home. She is always home. 

 

October 2016

Steve is standing in the corridors of the studio when Louis arrives. He’s talking to a young woman and chewing on the plastic lid of a Starbucks cup. He doesn’t see Louis until Louis is almost standing with them.

“Hey!” Steve says. “My man!”

“Hiya,” Louis says, feeling his accent slip broader again in the face of Steve’s American one. 

“I’ll see you later,” Steve says to the woman, touching her arm, and she flashes a smile at Louis before rushing off. “Okay!” Steve says. 

His enthusiasm is infectious. “Can I get a coffee?” Louis asks, feeling himself smile.

“Oh sure, there’s a stand just next door… What would you like?”

“An iced mocha? Ta.”

“Cool.” Steve uses his phone for a second, then grins. “Come on.”

They head along yet more corridors and into a room, windowless, soundproofed, with a whole raft of instruments in it. There’s a really complicated mixing desk Louis wants to have a closer look at. He feels suddenly shy, though. He’s not a musician - he’s just a singer who got lucky and now thinks he can write songs? Mental. 

He takes a deep breath and sits down on the sofa. 

“Cool,” Steve says again. 

“Nice guitar,” Louis says, looking at the pale one on a stand near him. 

“Do you play?”

“Not really. Well, no. I’d like to learn, though.”

“You should! Guitars are cool.”

“My mum’s ill,” Louis says. He’s not really sure where it comes from or why he suddenly trusts this half stranger, but it seems important to say. 

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, and sits in the office chair behind the mixing desk. The room is small enough that they’re only a metre or so apart. 

“She’s really ill, actually. But, you know, I’ve got to get on with life…”

“So you want to write some songs.”

Louis nods. “I think I’m alright at it.”

“It is a pleasure to work with someone new, you know?” 

“Thank you. You too, obviously.”

Steve smiles. “So do you have some lyrics?”

“I do. I think they’re a lot about me mum, actually. Look, though, no one knows she’s ill, so can you just keep it to yourself?” 

“Of course. That makes sense. My lips are sealed.” Steve moves over to a keyboard, perching on the little stool in front of it. 

Louis stands up, pulls his sweatshirt off, feeling the excitement start to thrum in his veins again. He’s back in the studio, back doing what he loves. There’s a knock on the door which is a young man with Louis’ coffee. Louis paces the small room while he drinks, singing snatches of melody to Steve and joining in when he can.

They work solidly for an hour, getting the feel of each other. Louis can barely look away from him, just wants to watch someone so talented at work. He wishes he could make all those instruments and keys work for him the way Steven can. It’s amazing. It’s like watching Maradonna or something. 

“Okay,” Steve says, standing up himself to stretch his limbs. “I think we can definitely work together, you know?”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Cool, so, like, are you singing this yourself?”

Louis shakes his head. “You’ve heard me. I’ve not got the voice for solo stuff.”

“I dunno…” Steve says, but Louis thinks he’s only saying that to be kind. 

“I’m happy to write for other people,” Louis says. 

“Alright,” Steve shrugs. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

*

“You could do it,” Jay says. 

“I could…”

“Louis.”

“Bloody hell mother.” Louis looks round the camera at her. “Do I deserve that tone?” He smiles to show he’s not serious.

“Yes, yes you do.”

“I’m not going solo.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t do it. I’m not good enough.”

“Bollocks.”

Louis lets his mouth drop in mock outrage. “Mother!”

Jay laughs. “Have you finished faffing?”

Louis is trying to get the video camera set up for his mum, so she can record some videos for the kids. They’re both trying to keep positive about it, but Louis thinks that if his mum feels even half as bad as he does… 

They’re both covering it up with jokes and smiles. 

But it’s terrible. 

Louis just can’t get the camera to stop focussing in and out. He’s about this close to throwing it out of the window. He watches his mum through the viewfinder for a few seconds.

She’s still so beautiful. She lost most of her hair over the summer so she’s permanently got a scarf tied around her head, but they really suit her. 

“I’ll do one for Freddie, too,” she says. “A video.”

“Yeah. Yeah, do. He’ll love it when he’s older.”

“You will tell him about me, won’t you? You will tell him how much I loved him.”

“Mum.” Louis’ throat closes up again. “I’ll tell him every single fucking thing about you.”

“Don’t swear,” Jay says absently, but Louis can tell her heart’s not really in it.

*

A week later Louis gets an email from Steve, with the audio of their song attached. They’ve been backwards and forwards with it and it’s got Steve singing on it, but Louis loves it. It’s got his lyrics - still so weird that a song actually has _his lyrics_ \- and the perfect dance beat under it. It almost comes off as a total bop except for the lyrics, which are sad but sound great. 

Steve, in his email, says “I’ve included just the music, in case you want to sing it yourself…”

Louis rolls his eyes a bit, but listens to the music and hums along. Then, playing it again, he starts to sing. 

It sounds good. He goes into his home studio, laptop in hand, and hooks up a microphone. It’s not ideal, but it’ll do. 

He sounds alright. Doesn’t he? He listens to it back, wincing at the sound of his own voice, which he’s still not used to hearing. 

He thinks about what his mother said. 

Could he do it? Go solo? Really?

He could. Surely, he could. 

He sings it again four time, recording each time, then sends each of the files to Steve, without putting anything in the email reply. 

A couple of hours later his phone rings and Steve’s name flashes up. 

“Alright?” Louis says when he answers it.

“My man!” Steve laughs. “Are you serious?”

“A hundred percent.”

“Is this just a one off, or…?”

Louis touches the front of his notebook, which has the beginnings or fragments of loads of songs in it. “Nah, no. I think I might try this whole singing thing, you know? Seems to have gone alright so far.”

Steve laughs again. 

They stay on the phone for forty-four minutes talking about everything and nothing. Whatever else has been going on, Louis is glad to have made a new real friend. 

 

November 2016

Jay is fading so fast, Louis can barely believe what’s happening right of front of him. It’s happened way too fast. But it also feels like she’s been ill for years, decades even. Louis can’t remember what life was like before all his thought were consumed by her, and how she is, and what’s going on with her. 

He’s going to have to tell Briana that Jay’s not going to get better. He wants to know if Freddie can come over, can see Jay one more time. He won’t remember it - which is so, so painful for Louis - but it’ll mean a lot to Jay. 

It’s too early to phone California yet, though, so Louis just sits in his mum’s room and tries to relax while she’s asleep. He’s alone in there with her, which has almost never happened, but Dan took everyone else home to sleep the night before and hasn’t come back yet. Louis hopes they’ve persuaded Dan to take them to KFC or something. Some kind of normality in all this madness. 

Louis’ stomach rumbles. He should listen to himself and go to find some lunch. The thing is, he’s worried about running into fans and feeling like he has to justify why he’s in a hospital in Sheffield. Times like this mean being a celebrity is difficult. 

He looks out of the room before he steps out. The corridor is empty, although he can hear some chatter coming from the nurses’ station just around the corner. He steps out quietly, heads to the lifts, and down to the canteen. It smells like school dinners. He picks up a sandwich and a plate of chips, then buys a few cans of pop and some chocolate, in case Jay fancies anything. Then he takes it all on a tray back up to Jay’s room, managing to make the entire way without anyone recognising him.

Jay is just waking up. 

“Good morning,” Louis says, grinning at her.

“I was awake before you got here,” she protests. “What time is it?”

“Half one.”

“Alright, you win, I’ve been asleep since 8.”

“Did you have a bad night?”

Jay nods. Her face is pinched with pain. Louis puts the tray down to help her move into a better position. He pours her some cold water. Her mouth must be a bit sore because she uses the straw. 

He gives her five minutes to come round a bit. He sits in the chair right next to the bed and rests the tray on the edge.

“Can I nick a chip?” she says.

“Course,” Louis says, and then breaks the sandwich up into smaller bits in case she wants some of that. It’s slow going, but she eats just under half of his lunch, which is more than he’s seen her eat in ages. He smiles at her.

“Thank you,” she says, and they lean into each other for a few moments.

All of Louis’ earliest memories are of being cuddled by his mum. Of being wrapped in a towel after a bath, or sharing her dressing gown with her on a Saturday morning, or of her greeting him from nursery with a big hug and a smile. Some lads never cuddle their mum. Not him; he loves her hugs. He’s just not sure how he’s going to live without ever having another.

“You’re a good boy,” Jay says quietly.

“It’s not fair,” Louis says suddenly. “My son has to grow up without you.”

“I know sweetheart,” Jay says, and then before Louis really thinks about it he’s moved the plate out of the way and is cuddling into her as tightly as he dares without hurting her. 

There’s that lump in his throat again that’s too big to swallow around. He wants to scream like a little kid and stamp his feet and say that it’s not fair, and it’s not only not fair for him but for all of them, from his grandad down to Freddie, every single one of them who will have to live with a Jay shaped hole in their lives. 

Then he’s crying, harder than he thought possible, harder than he’s cried this whole time, and Jay just rubs his arm softly and keeps saying ‘ssshh’ like he’s Doris when she won’t go to sleep. 

But it feels good to cry. It feels like someone cares about how much this hurts. He’s been bottling it up, because he’s the eldest, because he’s a dad now, because he has to keep it together for everyone. 

When he stops crying neither of them moves. Louis even thinks Jay’s fallen asleep again until she says,

“Lou, you’ve got to make up with Zayn.”

“Mum,” he says.

“I mean it. Life’s too bloody short, love.”

“But everything…”

“It doesn’t _matter_ , love. None of it does. Only you five went through all of that together. You’ve got to make it up with him.”

Louis breathes out through his nose. He knows she’s right, but the thought of contacting Zayn… 

“In the new year,” he says eventually. “I’ll sort it out.”

Jay nods, just once. “Thank you.”

*

Briana and Ashley come through airport security with Freddie in a carrier between them. Louis sees them greet Oli. He starts the car, but then switches it off again, thinking.

“Hi,” Briana says.

“Hiya,” Louis says. “Thanks, you know…”

“Oh Lou.” Briana puts the carrier down on the pavement and hugs him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.” He hugs her back then turns his attention to Freddie. “Hello mate. How are you doing?”

Freddie grins gummily and waves his little arms.

“Can I…” Louis starts, and leans down to unbuckle Freddie from his seat.

That feels better. The familiar weight of Freddie in his arms, his little fingers curled around Louis’. “Hello gorgeous,” he says softly. “It is extremely lovely to see you.”

Freddie babbles happily.

“I think that means he agrees,” Briana says.

“Let’s get going,” Louis says. “Oli, mate, can you drive?”

“Course.” Oli slips behind the wheel and Ashley, bless her, gets into the front seat. 

Louis clips Freddie’s seat very carefully into the middle seat in the back. “Think I’ve got it?”

“Well done,” Briana says, and hands Freddie back over for Louis to buckle him in. 

Finally they’re all ready. Louis sits sideways in the back seat, so he can keep looking at Freddie. He’s grown loads since Louis last saw him. Louis unfastens his little shoe to tickle his feet. 

His laughs are the tonic Louis’ soul needed. 

“I can’t thank you enough,” he says quietly to Briana while Ashley and Oli make awkward conversation in the front.

“Like I wouldn’t bring him,” Briana says. “Look, I was thinking… You take him, yeah. Tomorrow. Tonight, we’ll have a bath and go to bed, it’s late, but tomorrow, you guys should take him for the whole day.”

Louis nods. “He can sleep over if you’d like.”

“Yeah. Yes.”

“Thanks love.” Louis has had Freddie overnight only few of times - all the books they’ve read say that the baby should sleep with its primary caregiver for at least the first year - but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t wanted more.

He just wishes it wasn’t under these circumstances. 

When Freddie arrives at Jay’s house, she’s there too, home from the hospital for a little while, and she falls on him much like Louis did, unclipping him from the seat and taking off his little cardigan. 

Louis and his grandad each take what feels like a million photos. Louis already knows they won’t be enough. 

*

“Listen,” Louis says quietly. “I’m going to be on the X Factor final.”

“Oh yeah?” Jay smiles. Her eyes are still shut, but she’s smiling gorgeously. 

“Yeah.” Louis cuddles into Jay’s side on the bed. 

She’s in hospice care in Sheffield now, she’s been moved off the ward. It’s a lot different to the hospital - more homely and comfortable. Jay likes the lights down low and the lamp next to her bed on. Louis has caught her before she’s properly woken up, so he just cuddles her and lets her come round a bit. 

She reaches for some water and brushes her teeth carefully. Louis helps her get more comfortable again. 

“How’s Freddie?” she asks.

“He’s still here, remember. He’s with Briana and Ashley just now but he’ll come and see you soon.” 

“Oh yeah.”

She had forgotten. Louis licks his lips and hugs her again.

“The X Factor,” he says.

“What date is it?”

“11th of December.”

“I can’t wait.”

Louis doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t say ‘you might not be here’, he doesn’t say any fucking thing at all. But he’s crying. 

“How the fuck,” he says eventually, “are we supposed to live our lives without you?”

“You’ve just got to fucking do it,” Jay says, which makes them both laugh longer than they have in months. 

 

December 2016

Louis’ phone has been on Do Not Disturb for about six hours, because he couldn’t bear the constant message alerts. He knows everyone cares, and it’s lovely, but he needed some kind of rest. It’s already a lot with everyone crying so much in the hospice room. He nudges Lottie. “I’m going for a cig.”

“Alright,” she says. She squeezes his arm before he stands up.

The corridors are mercifully quiet. Louis slips silently along to the main corridor of the hospital, down several floors in the lift, and outside. It’s getting dark already, and it’s cold. Louis zips up his hoodie to his chin and fumbles for a lighter. With his other hand he opens his phone. Every app has little numbers showing, more notifications than he’s probably ever seen. He starts to clear them, glancing quickly at messages that have come through but not replying to any. Then, when he’s looking right at his phone, it starts to ring.

And the caller is almost the last person he’d ever have expected to hear from. He almost ignores it, he almost lets it just go to voicemail, but at the last second he presses green instead of red.

“Eleanor,” he says, trying to keep his voice neutral, a bit unsure as to how she’s going to be with him.

“I just heard,” she says, no preamble or anything. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you,” Louis says.

“How are you all doing? No, ignore that, that’s a terrible thing to ask, because, obviously…”

“Yeah,” Louis saves her embarrassment. “All rubbish, obviously.”

“I can’t believe it, Lou. Your poor mum.”

“Can’t really believe it myself.”

“No, I bet.” She pauses. “I’m really sorry. I just couldn’t not ring you.”

“No, I appreciate it actually. It’s nice of you.”

“Yeah,” she says, but she sounds sort of embarrassed. Louis can imagine high spots of colour on her cheeks. He bets she’s running her fingers through the front of her hair, twisting it between two fingers.

“How did you hear?” It’s not something he should be thinking about, but if the news has already got out he’s not sure what they’re going to do about it.

“Oh, you know, just, friend of a friend.”

“Lou told you.”

“Yeah, she…”

“It’s okay,” Louis says. “I don’t mind.”

“Thanks. God, can I do anything?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Louis hears that as harsher than he meant it to be. “Thanks, though.”

“Are the girls alright? Should I message them?”

“I’m sure they’d really like that, yeah.”

“I can’t believe it.” Eleanor pauses. “I’ll go, it’s okay. I’m sure you’re busy.”

“Stood outside the hospital smoking a fag actually. Nothing I couldn’t cancel.” 

She laughs. “Divvy.”

Louis laughs, the sound feeling strange in his body after the sadness of the past day and a bit. It’s not like they’ve all been sad throughout this whole thing - his mother had kept her sense of humour right until the end and there’d been plenty of laughter through the tears, but once she’d been in the final hours of her life everyone had turned somber. It feels nice to laugh, but it sets him off crying. 

“Oh, Louis,” Eleanor says. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” Louis says, trying to swallow the tears. “I know.”

They eventually hang up. 

“Phone me if you want an ear,” Eleanor says. “I’ll always listen.”

“Thank you,” Louis says.

She blows a kiss down the phone after she’s said goodbye, something which she always did when they were together. Louis ends the call and shakes his head. Of all the things…

He misses her. His heart sort of aches that she isn’t here. Should he have told her before Jay died? The thought crosses his mind. 

Maybe not, though, because the last time they’d spoken they’d argued horribly. 

Louis flicks through his messages. There’s one from Steve, about the X Factor. That’s the last fucking thing on his mind, but he’ll have to make a decision really soon. Then there’s one from a number that’s not saved in Louis’ phone. 

‘Sorry to hear about Johannah,’ it says. ‘She was one of the best. Zx’. 

Wow. Louis really didn’t expect that, either. 

He rubs his face and although he doesn’t reply to the text, he does save Zayn’s new number into his phone. 

*

“Lou,” a voice says. 

Louis wakes up, and thinks it’s Danielle, that they’re in LA, that everything’s fine, but then he remembers - his mother’s dead, she’s gone, she was dying and now she’s gone, and it is _fucking terrible_.

“Lou,” a voice says again, more insistently. 

Louis squints into the doorway. It’s Fiz, but he can’t exactly tell because the room is dark and she’s haloed by the light of the landing behind her. “Fiz?”

“I want to see her body,” Fiz says. 

“What?”

“I want to see Mum again. In the chapel of rest. They said we could.”

“Course. Course. What time is it?”

“Louis?” Danielle says, waking up beside him. 

“Five,” Louis says to himself, squinting at the clock on the bedside table. “Just after.”

“I’m sorry,” Fiz says. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s alright,” Louis says. He sits on the side of the bed, forcing himself into alertness. He didn’t think he’d sleep, but he’d crashed out at just after midnight, his body exhausted from the whole terrible day. He reaches for his tracksuit bottoms and pulls a t-shirt from the case on the floor. “Come on.”

He closes the door quietly behind himself and follows Fizzy downstairs. Everything’s quiet down there, everything dark and womblike. They go into the tiny, cosy sitting room that Jay liked to keep tidy. There are thick throws on the backs of each couch, and Fizzy pulls one down to lay over the two of them.

“Can we see her?”

“You can do whatever you want to do,” Louis says soothingly. “Whatever you want.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Absolutely, if you want me to.”

“Do you want to see her?”

“I dunno. Maybe.” Louis hadn’t liked how Jay had looked when she’d finally died. She hadn’t looked like his mum anymore., like her soul had literally left her body. But his gran had said straight away that it was normal when people were in hospital, and that they often looked better in the funeral homes. He’s not scared of seeing her or anything, and besides, if this is the one thing he can do for Fizzy, he’ll do it. 

“Dan said he wanted to bury her with her wedding ring,” Fizzy says.

“That’s nice, isn’t it. I think she’d like that.” 

“I do too.”

Louis hadn’t liked Dan when he’d first been dating Jay. He’d been a right terror about it, actually, throwing a strop and refusing to talk to Dan at all. But he’d come around, especially once he’d seen how happy Jay was and how much Dan adored her. She’d got her happy ending at last. They ought to have had years more together. Decades. They ought to have been wheeling each other round the nursing home, causing chaos and making Jay’s filthy laugh echo off the corridors. Now none of that will happen and instead Jay’s lying in a chapel of rest somewhere, all alone. It’s the thought that she’s by herself that Louis can’t stand. Tears start to fall. It feels like he’ll never stop crying. 

“It’s okay,” Fizzy says softly, tucking her arm into Louis’.

“It’s not, love, is it?”

“No,” Fiz agrees. “It’s bloody shit.”

Louis huffs a laugh. “Don’t swear.”

“You sound just like her.”

“I know. Aren’t I lucky?”

Fiz smiles sadly. “I wonder if she’d like to be buried with that cross too.”

“The garnet one?” 

Louis’ mum, never the most religious of people, had been given a gorgeous garnet cross by a well meaning friend just after her diagnosis, and although she hadn’t gone full Christian or anything, she’d worn it a lot in the past few months and touched it often, like a talisman. 

Fiz nods. “Can I ask Dan?”

“I think she’d love it,” Louis says, and kisses the top of his sister’s head. “I really do.”

When Dan comes down with the little ones a couple of hours later, Fizzy is asleep with her feet on Louis’ knees, and Louis is dozing, his head on the back of the sofa. 

Ernest climbs up on to the sofa next to him, the raggedy duck teddy he’s had since birth clasped in one hand, and tucks himself into Louis’ side. He’s so silent, it’s scary. He’s barely said a word since Jay actually died. Louis cuddles him in, and nods at Dan. It feels like there’s nothing to be said. 

*

Usually when Simon phones, it’s not him at all, it’s an assistant who then patches you through to him, but this time when Louis says hello, Simon’s voice comes down the line straight away.

“Louis,” he says. “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”

“Thank you,” Louis says. 

“There’s absolutely nothing I can say. It’s horrendous. You know that.”

“I do,” Louis says. He’s sitting on the side of the bed in the spare room where he and Danielle have been sleeping. It doesn’t feel like home, it doesn’t feel like it belongs to him. Plus there’s a wall of mirrored wardrobes and Louis can hardly bear to look at his reflection. He turns away. 

Danielle rubs his shoulder gently and then leaves the room, leaves him to listen to Simon.

It’s not that Louis doesn’t want to talk to him, and it’s not that he isn’t saying nice things. It’s just that Louis knows that Simon wants one thing, really - his decision about whether he and Steve will or won’t appear on the X Factor live. 

“It’s fine,” Louis says, cutting through Simon’s chatter. “I’ll be there.”

“Yeah? Are you sure?”

“No, no I’m definitely not sure. But I think I’ll do it anyway.”

“That makes sense, I mean -”

“Thanks, Simon,” Louis says. “Get someone to send me whatever details I need.” With that he hangs up, the first and only time he’s ever hung up on Simon. 

He’s pretty sure he gets a pass under the current circumstances, though.

He goes to turn his phone off, craving a respite from all the messages and emails, but before he does he sends a WhatsApp message to Steve. ‘Saturday is a go. Hope that’s okay.’

The ticks go blue immediately, and the phone says Steve is typing… typing… Louis waits. 

‘Awesome,’ the reply says. ‘She’d be very, very proud.’

She would. Louis turns the phone off and then goes over to the light switch to turn it off. The curtains are closed but outside it’s still light, although very foggy. Still, it’s light enough for Louis to navigate around the room, undressing quietly and slipping under the warm duvet. His head hurts. He wants to sleep, and forget about all of this, just for a while. 

 

*

Louis had forgotten how big of a production the X Factor was. He’s been back loads of times, obviously, but he still feels like the nervous teenager feeling immensely out of his depth. His car door is opened by a big man in a dark suit, sunglasses, and white gloves. “Cheers,” Louis says, climbing out. The guy takes his keys and slips into the driving seat. A woman with a clipboard smiles brightly. 

“Louis!” she says. “I’m Chloe. Will you come with me? Can I take your bag?”

“No, I’ve got it,” Louis says. “Is Steve here?”

“I believe Mr Aoki arrived thirty minutes ago.” Chloe is American and very peppy, and she smiles brightly, but it’s a bit brittle. She must be terrified, though, terrified of saying the wrong thing to the grieving pop star. 

Louis smiles at her, trying to reassure her. “Thank you so much.” 

She leads him through a maze of backstage corridors. Louis nods to a couple of people when he recognises them. It’s still early, though. His family will all come later - he made sure there’ll be a room away from the party if anyone needs it, including himself - but there’s a soundcheck for all the performers first.

“Here’s your dressing room, sir,” Chloe says. “Please beep me if you need anything.” She hands him a buzzer.

“Thank you,” he says, and closes the door behind her.

It feels weird to be all alone. It feels like he hasn’t been alone in months - he’s had Danielle with him, or Oli, or has been hanging out with Freddie, and when he’s been in England he’s been surrounded by family. Louis sits on the sofa and tips his head back. 

Jay should be here. Jay should be here for an awful lot more of life. Her babies growing up, Louis’ baby growing up. She was so young - she should have been a great-grandmother when Louis himself gets to be a grandad. She should have died old and surrounded by children, like she would’ve wanted. And now she’s gone. 

Louis is crying. That keeps happening before he realises. Christ knows how he’s going to get through the performance. Deep breaths and letting himself fall apart afterwards, probably. 

Steve hugs him tightly when he arrives. “I am so fucking sorry.”

“Thanks,” Louis says. “Don’t be nice to me, it makes it worse.”

“Okay, dickhead,” Steve says, which makes Louis laugh. “Are you doing the dress rehearsal with me?”

“I really don’t think I can. Sorry. I thought I might, but...” He shrugs.

“Absolutely. It’s fine.”

“Thank you.” 

Steve goes off to the rehearsal and Louis goes to greet his family, carefully hugging everyone, including Dan, who looks like a bus has hit him. 

“Get yourselves a drink,” he says, and Phoebe takes Ernie over to the table to choose what he wants. 

Then Louis turns and finds the lads standing there, all looking at him like he might break. 

“Alright?” he says.

“No,” Niall says. “Come here.”

The three of them envelop him in a huge hug. Louis starts crying again. 

“Sorry,” he says, unable to wipe his face because none of them have let go of him yet. 

“As if you’ve got anything to be sorry for,” Harry says. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks mate,” Louis says.

“I just can’t believe it,” Liam says. “I keep looking around for her.”

They still haven’t let go of him, and Louis lets himself be hugged, closing his eyes. 

But all too soon it’s time for him to go. Steve is standing in the doorway smiling. Danielle kisses Louis for good luck. Louis could throw up if he thought about it. He’s doing this for Jay and for no one else. 

He’s fussed over by make up and a runner and who knows what else, but he concentrates on breathing deeply, running over the lyrics in his head. He’s alone at the side of the stage for a few seconds, which feels absurd, because he’s not a solo singer - who said he could go solo? It’s mental. This whole last year has just been mental. 

He can’t do this. He really can’t fucking do this. He bounces on his feet, trying to swallow the nausea. He wishes he could get one more kiss and a hug from his mum. He’s got to do it. 

He steps out on to the stage, ready to do this for Jay.


End file.
